Emails from Japan: Jun 27, 2010

Well hello. It has been a while. Like a year. Because my life is not only boring, but insanely busy lately. I was recently promoted from line editor to content editor at one of my publishing companies, and have been scrambling about like crazy trying to figure out what that means while still doing line editing for my other publishing company and of course teaching the little shits--er, adorable Japanese children in my schools.

So. My life...is much the same as whatever it was last time I wrote. I have a couple of adventures. I'll tell you a story.

I run every night. I don’t enjoy it, but I don’t want to be fat because I like cute clothes and it’s hard to find cute clothes in fat people sizes. Simple as that. I do like junk food. Especially sweets and chips and…well, junk food. But cake and ice cream and chocolate is high on my list of happy making necessities. And so. Running. Because dieting is absolutely out of the question.

Oddly enough, I can seem to have a steady running routine and not lose any weight. When I stop I gain weight, but I never seem to lose any. This is a quirk of my body that irritates me greatly, but it does not seem to care about the impact it has on my overall emotional well being. Which is probably also why it hates milk and orange juice. The bitch.

Anyway, I have been running now for about a year and half. I usually do about four and half kilometers, or a couple miles. The running part is actually only a mile and a half, I'm working up to two, and the rest is power walking. Followed by weights when I get back to my apartment. But I never stray too far away from my apartment, mostly because I like to be within easy returning distance should I decide I’m really not in the mood for exercise after all. It happens.

I frequently see other people out and about, some doing their own exercise, some walking their dogs, some just getting home from work or the store. I never have any trouble with them, we nod our heads at each other and offer a polite こんばんは (good evening) and go on our way, barely having paused.

So why then, lately, do people feel the need to interrupt my run to talk to me? Twice now strange Japanese men have stopped me and asked me if I’m free. Do I look free? I’m sweating, because I sweat—a lot. Really, I think my pores are connected to the oceans with how much I can sweat sometimes, it’s disgusting—and I’m redfaced, and my running clothes are usually puffy. It’s not sexy. Seriously. And I’m obviously in the middle of my exercise. They don’t go to the gym and stand in front of people on the treadmill and demand their attention, do they? No. Because it’s rude. Oh but wait, that’s right, I’m not Japanese, so to do it to me isn’t rude.

But that’s different story entirely.

No, I want to talk about the other night. Well. Bitch about it. I went running, as I usually do, and as sometimes happens I drew attention to myself, simply by the fact that I am quite obviously not Japanese and that I run at night because I have a deep aversion to daylight. Mostly the sun’s rays. I’ve attracted strange men before, one guy on bike followed me for half a block until I had to stop at a “Don’t walk” sign before he asked me if I could play with him. Here play can be a lot of things. I took it to mean all of them and pretended I didn’t speak Japanese. The other night though, the guy was an older gentleman and had a car.

He pulled alongside the road I was on and waited for me to catch up at the intersection. I had no idea what he was doing, but I figured he was probably staring at me since that’s what Japanese men in cars do. I nodded my head politely in a sort of non bow and went around his car, on my merry way. He followed me for half a block and then pulled over and called out to me. I figured I’d better just answer him so that he didn’t follow me to the next leg of my run, which would go through a dimly lit wooded area with probably no witnesses should he try to kill me. Though in that case it would have been me with the upper hand, since I would have a better shot at getting away with vengeful justice. Still. I figured better to not risk it.

I stop and say hi, and he asks me to talk to him for a while. He wants me to get in his car. Like that’s gonna happen. Ever. Even in the third safest country in the world I am not that completely stupid. He seemed to be offended by this, but I was adamant. He then wanted to know my phone number and address and where I was going, to which I replied of course, though I totally lied. Then he gave me his number and said I should call him so he could meet me at a restaurant and give me a present.

Yeah.

And he went away. I did not get in the car with a strange man—who didn’t even have candy! What the hell kind of stranger doesn’t even bring candy!?—and I managed to escape unscathed. Though he screwed to hell my usual routine, which pissed me off because it’s hard as hell to keep myself on track normally, I don’t need lonely old businessmen throwing me off my stride too.

Japan is a very friendly country. It really is. It’s full of friendly, polite people. Sometimes more polite than friendly, and sometimes more friendly than polite. It also has quite a few creepy-assed stalker freaks. And I seem to have the unfortunate habit of attracting all of them.

End story 1. Begin story 2.

Went to a small island out near a peninsula sort of near me -ish- with some friends. These people are members of a Facebook group called "Miyagi Outdoor Lovers." They're ALT friends of mine, but as you might guess if you know me, I am not remotely an outdoor lover and avoid nature at all costs. They talked me into this one because I'd been there before and thought it would be all right, plus there's a deserted beach nearby that I wanted to go to.

I had been sick for a week, I should mention. Like, I went to bed as soon as I got home from work sick. Death on a stick. I felt better the Friday before and that morning so thought it would be all right. Was not all right. Trekking uphill with a cough and a sinus headache on top of allergies = deathwish. Seriously. Down was all right. We got totally lost and ended up on an animal trail on the other side of the island, and followed that back to the ferry. It was an adventure, and I felt better at that point because we'd stopped for lunch and medicine.

Then the beach! First day at the beach this summer. Was awesome. Really FREAKING cold, but awesome. Went in shorts and a t-shirt because no swim suit, I always forget it, but meh, was fun. The waves were pretty big, we were sharing the beach with surfers, but they were nice enough to move off to one side and let the crazy gaijin (foreigners) swim around in their underwear.

There was a cave too! I like caves. In a small part kind of off to the side, behind some rocks, there was another mini beach with what looked like a totally awesome cave, and I tried to go there. The water got really deep though in the middle and deep ocean water scares me stupid, so I tried to go around that and ended up being smashed into rocks by the huge freaking waves. My hands are nicely shredded, along with my knees and a few toes.

Hahaha I hadn't actually told anyone that I was going to go exploring over there either, so they noticed me missing and thought I had drowned. Started yelling for me. I came back dripping wet and bleeding and got yelled at but good. I feel thwarted though, I really wanted to see that cave.

Anyway, it was an exhausting day, but I actually enjoyed it. Despite the part where nature touched me. ~shudders~

I am excited for summer vacation because I plan to go to Summer Sonic, a huge two day concert event with something like thirty bands in Tokyo. I'm only going for one day, because it's ridiculously expensive, but still excited. I may or may not write about how that goes. I fail at this keeping in touch thing. Hopefully my adventure stories will be enough to make you realize how over Japan I am getting. I am equally excited to be going home for good next April.

Aaaand that's all I got. Japan is getting increasingly creepier the more Japanese people get used to me. Though my students for the most part remain adorable. The end.

Emails from Japan: October 25, 2009

So. I'm not quite sure where I left off. Surely after summer and the Fuji fiasco, yes? If you were not aware I dragged my sorry fat ass up Mt. Fuji, tell me, and I'll happily bitch about the whole sorrily awesome odeal. But I'm pretty sure I already have. Since Fuji...

Ha. September was interesting. I was in Sendai every weekend at the beck and call of Liz and Kim, a set of pretty blond twins born to two different sets of parents. Not quite sure how they managed that, but it's remarkable to say the least. They kept me occupied and liqiudated, and September passed its merry way into October without me even realizing it. October came with my birthday, which I tried very hard to not acknowledge while at the same time forcing everyone I know to celebrate it with me. This was rather effective, though somehow I still did not get presents. Except from my mother. Thank you mommy!

Last weekend was a leaving party for Liz, who is abandoning her twin-that-isn't and escaping Japan for a two month tour of Australia and New Zealand--which I am insanely envious of and would like for her to make room for me in her suitcase--and then will be returning to Canada. May she have much luck, and not be eaten by ducks.

I had a dream where I was in a space ship that Captain Kirk rigged to explode and I died in a fireball of searing agony. That was new.

Went on a nature hike with my kindergarten students last week. You would not believe the amount of drama thirty kindergarteners can produce. It was like a midget soap opera. Only it involved me, outside, in the sun, in nature, with small children. It was like a recipe for nuclear destruction. Oddly, their little mini-sized freak outs kept me entertained enough that I didn't attempt to throw anyone into the river and see if they could float. Not that it would have mattered. You know they teach them to swim in kindergarten out here?

This week was the most interesting by far. My computer died. Utterly. Like, as in, it installed the latest version of iTunes, asked nicely if it could restart itself, and when I said okay sure it turned off and then forgot to turn back on again. Now when I turn it on the lights come on for a second, and in that second it thinks very very hard whether it really feels like functioning or not, and then flips me the bird and turns itself back off. This is evidently a problem with the model I have, and happy little HP tx1000, and according to Japanese tech support I need a new computer. So. While normally when at home I either read or watch US television online streaming to preserve what is left of my sanity, now all I have is reading, and the one book that a friend lent me just got finished the other day. So I am now going slowly insane. You know. More so.

I do have a little HP mini from the first time my fancy HP laptop crapped out, but my little mini can only do word processing and sometimes email. No video. It severely hates the internets, and I have to bribe it. And even then it takes about five minutes to load a page. No exaggeration. Literally five minutes. Sometimes three if it's in a good mood. If I'm not insane after running out of things to occupy my time, trying to get anything done online with this little bundle of fluffy joy will surely finish me off.

Ahem. End rant.

Got to play dodgeball with third graders. It was not pretty. You'd think if I can throw a nice punch I'd be able to throw a damn dodgeball. Ha. Yeah. Ha. At least I'm used to children laughing at me. My sixth graders brought me back a souvenir from their class trip though, which made me feel all warm and fuzzy.

My JHS's bunkasai, or culture festival, was today. It consisted of about five hours in the morning of singing. I got to hear the same three songs five times each. Then taiko drumming--which was really good, youtube taiko, it is win-- by seventh graders, dancing students in animal costumes, dancing teachers in skin tight frog costumes, students who removed more and more of their clothing as the day progressed, bathroom sex, and an emotional breakdown stage left. It was actually really fun. The second half. When all the interesting bits happened.

And now I am happily settled back in my apartment, eating a tuna melt that took me exactly six weeks to finally figure out how to cook without burning it to a crisp. Tomorrow is home standby, as today I had the bunkasai thing and since for the schools it's a working day they get Monday off to make up for having to go on the weekend. Which is nice of them.

It's finally starting to get chilly out this way. Still a little humid at times, but at night I actually need two blankets. No snow yet, probably not for a bit, but I can hope yeah? Has it snowed out y'all's way yet?

And that has been my life of late. How is everyone else?

Emails from Japan: August 25, 2009

I live! So far.

So. Early August. Ana, my neighbor, and I hitched a ride with our other neighbor's brother down to Tokyo, to pick up Ana's sister from the airport. We then made our way to a hotel in Shinjuku, and though exhausted from a seven hour drive for us and an eleven hour flight for her sister, we took a peek at a local festival before passing the fuck out.

Woke up early as hell to make the bus to Mt. Fuji on Sunday. Bus dropped us off at something like 11 or 12, we ate, which took nearly two hours because everyone and their freaking brother was there that day, then we headed up the mountain.

And I will just say that an eight hour hike up rocky steep assed hills sucks more ass than anything has any right to. It was raining like a raining beast. EVERYTHING got soaked, and that was through my rain gear. All my spare clothes in my backpack? Also drenched. Oh, that was pleasant.

Happily, we had a little tour ticket thing, so once we'd been going a little over two hours--which was a ridiculously short amount of time--we found the hut we were supposed to eat and sleep in before making our way the rest of the way up to the summit. Collapsed at like six because that first two hours was god awful. Though pretty much, compared to the rest, a cakewalk. Woke up at 9:30 and piddled around before heading out. The rain had stopped, but our clothes were still damp/wet/nasty.

Had to do some pretty strenuous hiking/climbing/ground hugging in some parts. And then there were places with like eight tour groups all jam packed together and it took forever to get anywhere. Which was a happy pace for me. Eventually, once the paths evened out to just gravel and rock and crap, we sort of were trudging along like zombies with everyone else on the mountain. It sucked ass. And it got freaking cold, what with all my shit being soaked still, and not able to dry. But. We made it!

Saw sunrise. Was pretty. Took pictures. Came down.

Down was almost as fun as up, what with all the loose gravel and shit. And the one point where we went down the wrong path and had to backtrack half an hour back up the freaking mountain which I pretty much despised at this point. We made it down in one piece, though because there were no vendors or anything on our route down I had run out of water about two hours before we hit the bottom. I was ready to just throw myself off the nearest cliff, I was so thirsty. Though pretty much I was ready to throw myself off the nearest cliff for the entire climb. When I finally got ahold of a vending machine I downed like three bottles of water. Oh that was special.

Then our bus took us to an onsen, which was awesome, considering how tired and sore and nasty we were. Though because all of our spare clothes were still damp and gross, we didn't exactly have anything to wear after getting clean that wasn't dirty in some way. But we figured to hell with it. Then we went home. Via shinkansen because when you're that tired? Money ceases to be a factor in anything. Sadly.

And I was evidently so exhausted that I slept until 5 in the PM the next day.

Also. My face looked like overcooked lobster. I put sunscreen on when we started up Fuji on Sunday, but it was raining and cloudy and then nighttime, so the sun never got to me. On the way down it was clear and lovely and hot as hell, and the sun he got me good. Only my face though, since the rest of me was covered. At least I partly defied him!

A couple days later we headed up to Aomori.

Anyway. Long assed train ride, delay at the end resulting in yet another freaking shinkansen. How many is that in the last two months alone? Enough to make me cry.

The parade for Nebuta was cool though. Two of the dancers threw me bells, which was cute. Also got to wear a yukata (summer kimono) for the first time, which was a pain and a half to put on and walk in, but several nice Japanese ladies helped me out with it.

And then we went to an internet cafe to sleep for the night, because there were no hotels available. Woke up in the worst mood ever the next day. Took three cups of coffee and an onsen to make me sociable again. Then we ate, got beer, and headed for the fireworks.

Fireworks were pretty. Not a lot of wind, so they had to frequently pause and wait for the smoke to blow away. At the finale it was so cloudy and the smoke was just hanging there, they had no choice but to do it anyway. It was still cool, but it was sad we couldn't see most of it.

And then we were back at the internet cafe. Had to leave suck ass early to catch our train the next day. Twelve hours on trains, maybe more. Crashed as soon as I got home.

The next weekend I went out with a couple girls I know and one got so wasted she started a bar fight. That was exciting. Happily the bartenders were content with throwing her out rather than calling the police, so I avoided having to flee from the law.

And then I had no more money. At all. Been living off of ramen noodles. I love ramen noodles.

And that was my summer vacation. Now I'm back to school. Which is sad making. Alas. Had my yearly health checkup at a local clinic today, where the doctor happily spoke English pretty well and no needles were involved, so I didn't have to resort to violence.

And that's all I got. The end.

Emails from Japan: July 19, 2009

I LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE! Though it was touch and go for a while, what with all my suicide attempts. Alas, I'm too lazy to even kill myself. I just can't be bothered. Ah well.

Fact #147 of living in a box in Japan:

I frequently shower with my clothes because my shower room is also my dryer.

So.

Went home in May for my little sister's high school graduation. It was nice to be home again, even if my space has been invaded on the level of rape, dear family wtf. :D I enjoyed having a real bed for a while. Gods, I miss my bed sometimes. And like, a dryer. And food. Ah, foooooooooood.

Earlier this month... or last month? Meh, some point. Took a drive with a bunch of folks to Kinkazan, a pretty little island thingy. Took a ferry out to it, was attacked by seagulls. Then got to hike up a steep hill, look at a shrine, and hike back down because we got there late and the last ferry back only left us an hour. Was pretty, but lame. Would like to go again with more, like, time. To explore and stuff. Want to see monkeys. MONKEYS REED.

When we left we had two more people in our party, so Ana's poor Suzuki Wagon R was carrying six people up hills, and it did not like that. But it tried hard. Poor little car. Then we went to the nifty lookout point that overlooks Kinkazan or however the hell you spell it, and played on the Nazi training ground. Was slightly painful, but fun. Went there last year with Reed too, if it sounds familiar to anyone. After that we drove to a scary abandoned creepy building surrounded by a creepy forest and hiked down to a tiny deserted beach which was gorgeous but freezing and proceeded to try to give ourselves (me, my other personalities, and some friends that actually exist outside my head) hypothermia. Was fun.

And then I was exhausted and went to bed.

Fun fact #37:

My toilet doubles as a sink.

Happy late 4th for anyone who celebrates it.
Went to a bbq on the beach and had some fireworks and beer--I did not get drunk! I didn't even drink but maybe one, go me!--and stripped down to our underwear and went swimming in the middle of the night in the ocean. Well, I did, and this one little Japanese guy that was with us did. And Ana of course. No one else really seemed to be as fond of the ocean as we were. But it was way fun. :D And no, I don't need to be drinking to do stupid stuff like that, is not the first time I've stripped down and jumped in the water. I have a crush on the ocean, when it's not trying to kill me.
Anyway. Got bitten by like eighty billion random bugs and probably have larvae in my skin. Blah. But. Had fun. ^.^

Had my first concert in Japan on the 11th. YAY GACKT!!! +D

I shall start with the random strange thing that happened in my little town, that has never happened to me before ever. I was talked into wearing a concert cute outfit, which is less jeans and comfort and more hey look at me I'm hot, but I hid it under a hoodie for the train ride. Still, passing a guy on the way to my train station in Yamoto, I smiled at him because he was looking at me and I smile at everyone I make eye contact with, just because I feel I have to or they'll know I plot their death. Is habit. He followed me to the train station.

Oh, oh I didn't even believe it. At first, he was like, "asobo? play play," and I was like "sorry dude you're cute but young and I'm on the way to Sendai." I just said Sendai though, since he probably didn't speak much English. I thought it was cute he was flirting with me, since Japanese boys are usually scared away by my aura of death. Or something. But then? Then he looked around all furtive like, and in this really shyly earnest voice said "sex? s-s-sex?" And I was all "...wut?" I didn't even know what to do because of the way he was asking. My brain shut down from shock. In the states I would have removed his testicles with a spork, but I was just so surprised it resulted in total brain death. I said Sendai again, smiled and pointed to the train station, and he was like "chotto dake, chotto dake" which means "just a little" and I'm not too sure I know what just a little sex is, but I said no and then APOLOGIZED because he looked like he was going to cry and it was just the weirdest thing ever.

And then I went to Sendai.

So, I decided to take a shinkansen since I like to spend money when I don't have any, and that way I got to sleep in and take a shower and take my time and not hate my life the universe and everything. I figured it'd be a nice change yeah? And it was good.

Got to Saitama early, and found the arena the concert would be in relatively quickly, since it's huge and right by the train station and there was a fuck ton of people there. I had nothing to do while I waited for the arena to open so I got in the FREAKING HUGE ASSED LINE for the little Gackt shop, and that killed a lot of time. I got a t-shirt. I likes it. +D

Then went in. The concert was AWESOME. I adore and wish to marry You, the rhythm guitarist/violinist. And maybe Gackt too if he'll come along. It was totally fantastically amazing and that's all I can really say. It was amazing. I had a blast. Seriously I can't even say. The only thing that would have been more awesome would have been actually meeting the band, but considering the vocalist (that would be Gackt) nearly passed out twice and actually passed out once during his performance, I figured they wouldn't be doing anything like that. So I exited and followed the crowd.

I meandered lost and alone--because I did this whole thing by myself, give a huzzah for independence! and then burn it 'cause I'm lonely--around Saitama and the arena, then when there were no more buses or shinkansens (bullet trains) that would take me home, as the concert lasted nearly five hours oh my gods was I tired, I went back to the main train station in Saitama and wandered around. This area was much creepier and skeezier than it was by the arena, by the way. But! I found an internet cafe, and there I sat, waiting for the trains to start up again in the morning. My chair was very comfy, I got free drinks, and I only had to pay ten bucks for five hours. Is teh win, ya? Except the air conditioner wouldn't turn off and I froze my ass off until it was time to go.

Slept 'til 4, then went to McDonald's to wait for the shinkansens to start running.

And then and then and then? At the McDonald's before I caught my shinkansen home this weird creepy old man sat down at my table and started talking to me and saying random things about my eyes and he bought me coffee and he wandered around and touched random girls but always came back to my table (probably because I was the only one by myself) and I ran away to catch my train and he HUGGED ME IT WAS SO CREEPY. I'm never leaving my house again. Ever.

Recovering from that weekend took an entire week. Seriously, I was so tired.

Then this weekend went to a birthday party on Friday and at some point lost my car key. Don't know how, as it was on my key ring, and it was the absolute only thing that wasn't in my purse on Saturday morning. So someone if you can explain how a car key can pull itself off a key ring and then jump out of my purse, I'd appreciate it. Really. I totally freaked out though, because my spare key was in my glove compartment. In my locked car. Because, as I've said all along, I'm brilliant that way. Seriously.

Seriously, I say seriously a lot. Seriously.

Got my car open!

Emailed my company, got no reply. Called my company's representative that's supposed to help in these situations. His number is no longer valid, or some such thing. Thanks for passing that along in case of emergencies there, so kind of you. Called the independent contractor to ask about locksmiths. Not really supposed to go directly to them, supposed to have the company contact them, will probably get in trouble. Fuck the company and their many ways of fail. Still. He doesn't get paid when I go to him directly.

He called the JAF, which is like the Japanese AAA. Without shiny member card would cost about $125 for them to open my car. Shit a chicken. Went to the train station to see if anyone had found my key. IC guy came with me because he's awesome that way. Train station man called around but no one had it. Said to try a service gas station, that they might be cheaper than the JAF. Had to wait an hour, so bought IC guy of win coffee. They couldn't do it, because my car is too new and the alarm system too complicated. Said to try the dealer.

Remembered, because I am retarded genius, that the place that services my car and changes the tires for me is actually supposed to be able to do stuff like this when I get in trouble, without my paying. That that's part of my rental agreement. Feel very stupid. IC guy takes me there, they follow us back to my apartment. They can't do it either, but they have the JAF card of shininess and call JAF. Had to wait an hour again. Awkward. JAF man comes. Inserts flimsy hundred yen (one dollar) folder and a little metal thing, takes all of three seconds, and opens my car.

Three seconds that would have cost me $125 had I been any more stupid this weekend. Fuck you, Japan.

I am happy. I have my key and can use my car. My pretty key with automatic unlock and lock button is gone forever, but at least I can still get into my car and like, drive and stuff. I say thank you about eighty thousand times to everyone, especially IC guy of awesome and win.

Am happy again.

The End.

Emails from Japan: March 24, 2009

Hello my dear little creme puffs!

In Tokyo. Took a seven hour bus ride to get here. Cramped. Stale air. Pleasant and wonderful. But! Am in Tokyo. At an internet cafe by Kanda Station, where I stayed with my prof and fellow students last... last last year? Yeah, last last year. We're waiting for my favorite breakfast nook to open. I've been wanting to eat there again ever since I left. I'm so excited.

No really. I am.

Then we're going to Disney Sea! Which would be more exciting I suppose if I had slept better? Maybe. Or something.

The girl I'm traveling with hasn't forced me to kill her yet, but I'm thinking it may be sooner rather than later. I just don't travel all that well, especially when I have no opportunity to escape into my own space. And on this trip I will have none whatsoever. We're staying in a couple of dormitories and hostels to keep cheap, and the two hotels we do get are twin rooms. There is no escape from her. I may kill and eat her. I just have that problem when I spend an extended period of time in anyone's company. I still love you though, Ana!

It pisses me off no end that the apostrophe is shift 7 on this computer.

Also. No wait! I will get my own room in Osaka! I forgot. We're staying at a capsule hotel the 27th. A really nice one. I am excited about that. It has a free sauna and stuff, though I'm not sure if girls can use it. Cross your fingers for me.

Anyway. That's pretty much all I got. I've only just started. Maybe I'll get to another internet cafe at some point to keep people that care updated. Like, well, my mother. She cares. No one else probably does, but you get to hear about it anyway because you bastards should suffer with me. +D

Y'all know I love you.

And I'm done. Oh wait!

And then zombies attacked and everybody got ate.

The end.

Emails from Japan: February 22, 2009

Dear all and sunder,

Whatever that means.

Sundry. Whatever.

Heh. Hehehe. Golly it’s been a while, hasn’t it? Ummm… since September, I think? Yeah. My life is dull and boredom. I work. I sleep. I work some more. Occasionally I get drunk in Sendai and embarrass myself. Let’s see, since September…

Well, my birthday was in October. I was sick for it. But my fourth graders threw me a birthday party, which was totally awesome and adorable of them. I love my elementary school. The one that I won’t get to go to next year because of some bastard at the BoE. That or I smell bad and no one wants to say anything. *sigh*

Thanksgiving was fun. I had blueberry yogurt and milk tea, watched Monk, and felt sorry for myself. Good times.

I got to go home for Christmas though! And I got sick. It was lovely. But! I also got to eat REAL FOOD. Oh the joy and happiness of that, I can’t even express. Spent Christmas night and the next in a condo in Breckenridge. I was sick, and felt horrible, but the bed was comfortable and they had cable and my sister, so it wasn’t too bad. Did attempt to go running at night a couple of times—when I wasn’t sick, mind you, for like the two days I was well—but there’s a bit of difference in altitude between mile high Colorado and sea level Higashi Matsushima. I thought I was going to die. It was lovely. Nothing says smexy like a sweaty gasping heffalump. Woot. But on the whole I was happy to be home and sad to leave.

Coming back was less difficult but more expensive that I thought it would be. But at least it was pretty much a straight shot from the airport to my apartment. That was nice. Unlike the leaving trip, where Ana and I took an overnight bus to Tokyo—and freaked out most of the other passengers with our exhausted hyperactive giggling, fun times—and wandered all over Tokyo station for a bathroom that didn’t exist. The station was under construction, but no one took into account potty placement when they were sectioning off places. Bastards blocked off all the toilets except one in like the back corner of the freaking basement. And when you’re carrying eighty million pounds of luggage consisting of you can’t even freaking remember what, wandering all around that maze of insanity is not fun yo. Stupid Japan. I say this a lot. But I say it about the States too, just so no one thinks I’m discriminatory. Ha.

Made it back in one piece, without setting anyone or anything on fire. Go me. School started again. Did not want. But what can you do, they don’t pay you to sit around on your ass all day… oh wait.

And that has been about the extent of my excitement. I’ve decided to stay another year after all, try to pay off at least a bit more of my debt before I attempt to find a real job and place to live back in the States. Maybe next year the economy will be better? Of course, I’ll be looking in between now and then too, and should some estranged member of my family suddenly drop dead all of a sudden and I have to go home for good to take care of the orphaned poodle, well, what can you do, right? Options options.

So here I am in the home stretch of this school year now. Waiting for end of March to get here already so that I can, you know, hide in my apartment for longer than a weekend. Unless Ana succeeds in having her way and we end up going to Okinawa. Disneyworld definitely though. I’d like to tell you how exciting my classes have become.

……

Are you still laughing, those of you in this with me? Yes yes with the winding down and upcoming graduation of the ninth graders, really my weeks are kind of sad. Today, for example, I was to have classes with my ninth graders, but due to the ABSOLUTE LACK OF COMMUNICATION among my Japanese English teachers, I have been told that I’m not needed, and to just stay in the staff room. Which gives me one whole class to do today. Oh yippie. Happily, I brought my computer. I am not so lucky some days. When I have a full schedule and just leave my laptop at home knowing I won’t have time for it, and then half of my classes are cancelled and I end up twirling around in my chair until I puke. Excitement abounds.

It’s not as bad as I bitch though, obviously, or I wouldn’t be bothering to stay another year. I’d leave a trail of charred corpses in my wake and skedaddle.

Last weekend—the one that just finished—we had a birthday party for Kyle (HAPPY BIRTHDAY!) and Miho (who is not on this, I don’t think). I wish I had been well for it. I wish I were well for many things. Why, Japan? Why do your damn diseases love me so much? Hate me so much? Whichever it is, make them stop touching me! I blame my bastard germy children. Always sticking their fingers in my nose and mouth and rubbing their little faces all over my clothes. I have never been so molested in my life as at elementary, I tell you. If they weren’t so cute I’d have to punt kick them out the windows. Though some I’m tempted to anyway. Especially my eighth graders. Anyone have a good stay out of jail way to punk kick an eighth grader out the window? Maybe if I just set their floor on fire…

And really, that’s all there is. Kind of sad, n’est pas? It’s been fun though. I’ve been more social this year than, well, probably my entire life. There are some pretty awesome people out in my neck of the woods (you know who you are, but don’t go getting over large heads—and no innuendos over that comment either, I know where you live), and Sendai is a great city. Not that I would be able to find my way anywhere outside of the train station if I were on my own. Gods what a scary thought. My inner independent howls in rage, while the coward in me beats her with a stick and asks Reed nicely if he wants to go shopping because I can’t find the stores.

And yeah. I miss friends and family back home. I’m still alive and well. And even eating more than peanut butter and jelly sandwiches now! They have this awesome instant noodle stuff, ramen sure but other stuff too, and salads. And fruit juice! And yummy teas. So see? I am well. And if the staff at McDonald’s knows my order without me having to say it anymore, well hey, I’m one of like three foreigners in this city, it might not have anything to do with frequency of visit… *cough*

The end.

Emails from Japan: September 24, 2008

So HI!

Some people were saying I hadn't written in a while. And thought I was, you know, dead. Or sold to white slave traders. Not yet. Still here. Somedays I think I shall never escape. And I cry myself to sleep. Okay so not really.

And so. My life this month. Last I wrote was the middle or end of Augustish? Nothing much up since then. Um. Got a new neighbor! Ana. Is very nice. We went to the beach with Reed a couple or three weeks ago. Forgot to bring a swim suit. So yeah, just sorta stripped to my undies and jumped in. Ana did too! Don't look at me like that. It was the OCEAN. Poor Reed had the worst time dragging us out of the ocean. Huzzah for another fish! I got a bit sunburned and some freaking huge assed bug bit me. Twice. Was most unpleasant.

Was kept at the school until ungodly hours helping these two speech contestants kids for an english speaking contest. Left very little time for me to so much as breathe after I got home before I had to go to bed and get up and destroy the entire FREAKING UNIVERSE but I'm much better now. Since the contest is over and I can sleep again and no longer have dreams about these freaking speaches that I still know by heart because I have them better memorized than the damn students. Who worked really hard and I'm proud of by the way.

Bought the Japanese version of Final Fantasy XII. Played it in English and hated it. Not because it was bad, but beacuse it PISSED ME THE FUCK OFF every five seconds. Not so much better in Japanese, except now it tells me "YOU STOLE @$%&*$#@!" and I'm sitting here like "kay. wtf is that now then? can I eat it?" But hey, it's something to do when I'm being antisocial on the weekends.

Which I wasn't for the... autumn day off thingy! By the by. Went out Monday night to a bar in Ishinomaki (the next largerish city the other way from Sendai, for those in the know, just another city for those that care not) and then came back to yamoto (where I live) and went to a karaoke/hostess bar. Was with Ana and Reed and Tom. Why no I wasn't drinking and stupid and singing like a retarded dying cat. Then the next day Reed, Ana and I went to the beach in Nobiru (which is like a twenty minute drive from our apartments) and it was pretty pretty. But the water was frigid as hell. So Ana and I played battle tennis (which is like, kiddie tennis with little rackets and a soft ball) and Reed made fun of our mad ninja skills. That we didn't, you know, have. Yeah we sucked. Shut up. Then we went sightseeing a bit. A hike up to a lookout over Nobiru or some such place, I don't know where it was really, but it was pretty. And another beach with these really cool giant rock island thingys that Reed climbed and almost died. And the creepy assed icy still water of DOOM housing some kind of water monster that eats puppies. Was scary yo. Like really. It pretended to be shallow and then when you got near it all the sand turned into sink holes and it sucked you down and ate you!

Or would have had the sinking sand and cold water and thing at the bottom not terrified me utterly from going near it. I was safe! I survive to be eaten by something else. The kids that venture near can fend for their own damn selves. Then Ana and I climbed out onto these giant rock things, jumping over a sink hole to do it, and we did not die. There are pictures on facebook. Probably. Maybe. Did I put them up? Oh. And I got bit again. My arm is still swollen, and feels like, I dunno. painful. Something probably laid eggs in my arm. It would figure.

And then I was exhausted and my brain shut down. Oh. I did not go to the giant ALT camping trip thingy. 1) because I, quite literally, have no money whatsoever. 2) because large groups of people give me hives. So there.

Also in school life: I was molested by a first grader. None was more surprised than I.
Oh, and today, two little first grade girls attached themselves to my arms and rubbed their faces all over my skin. Because that's not weird at all. Freaking children goddammit. I washed my arms in the sink after class while the other teachers looked at me like I was a freak.

And what else. The weather is getting colder. I've started shutting my window during the day. I open it at night so I can sleep under my thick fluffy blankets of joy without getting too hot. No. It is not strange. They are fluffy blankets of joy! JOY.

FYI. Jogging when it's cold is fat and smelly and sucky. Where does one by long johns here? No, seriously, where?

And....... I'm pretty sure that's all I got. Uh. Yeah, it really is. Except my main elementary school goes batshit crazy with the observation classes. Seriously. I have at least three a month. And I only go there four or five times a month. See what I mean? Okay okay, usually they keep it to two a month. Last... no, uh. August... what comes before August? Well whatever month that was we had three. Was insane.

I shall not be eating in October due to the pay for August at the end of this month. I'll get about a dollar, after rent and loan and Car Point (FYI for the unaware: Car Point = fuck you in the ass with a chainsaw and no lube). Maybe I'll buy a stick of gum for my birthday. (Which is in October, for the unknowing. I'll be turning four. Do you think they'll deport me if I convince them a four-year-old is not a good ALT?)

And yeah. That's really all I got. Much love to all the people that, you know, want my love. And the rest of you can die in hole. 'Cause I'm awesome, and who wouldn't want my love?

My fellow Miyagi mates, stay warm. My happy little Coloradoans as well. Unless it's still like freaking 90 over there. One can never tell.



ps. and then rabid mutant bunnies riding clowns invaded and everyone died. horribly.

Emails from Japan: August 11, 2008

Hello all! I hope everyone is having a great summer. I? For once, actually have things to write about! This is my excited face: 8) no really, is an excited face. First off! The end of last month!

I left my last MED complaining about my school and such. Common, yes. But alas, after all my excitement and glee at my freedom, my leash was yanked back by my master and I was told viciously to heel. Then I was sent back to my middle school for the entire rest of the month. To help two students with their speeches for an English speech contest in September. The first week of this was so exciting in fact, that I shall give you an excerpt from my journal:

~~~~~

"I just love and adore my middle school. No, really. Really I do. Why are you looking at me like that? I want to hug and squeeze everyone in it to death. I love them so much I want them all to implode in screaming agonizing death until there are pieces of them painting the entire city. That's how much I love them.
So I got to work today, you know? I'm scheduled to work from 2 to 3. Which is dumb, but whatever. I go. I'm early. I see none of my JTEs. They're the people I teach with. They're the ones that tell Interac when to send me. So I wait. 2:00 roles around. No JTEs. I have three. I see not a one. I wait. Doodle in my journal. There is no class today, the other teachers are busy doing random stuff. 2:30. I leave in half an hour. I get up and ask the vice principle where my JTEs are. They have the day off. I call Interac. Interac calls the school. Which is really kind of silly. Since I call them from the staff room not five feet away from the phone they call back on. Then they call me back and send me home. Evidently someone forgot I was coming today.
Tomorrow? I do it all again. Hopefully this time, though, I won't go in just to be sent home because of my retarded fucking JTEs not knowing which hole they seem to have shoved their heads into."

~~~~~

My next day was cancelled too. But those were the only two. The next two weeks I was at the school from 9 to 3, I had my second year (8th grade) student in the morning and my third year (9th grade) student in the afternoon. My second year student was actually quite good, he speaks very well and we managed to have a conversation a few times. This helped a little with the whole "I had to listen to the same speeches over and over and over and over and over again until I ripped my own head off and threw it out the window" thing.

But then August came! Yay August and it's wonderful no schoolness! However, August brought with it a disappearance of my hot water. So I got to spend a wonderful week boiling water in a pot and sponge bathing while Interac and LeoPalace told me to go outside and push a button on my water boiler thing and push a button and wait five minutes. Which did nothing. They told me to try it again. Again, nothing. They insisted that I was either pushing the wrong button or was not waiting five minutes, and that I should keep trying. What's the definition of insanity again people? Finally I got slightly pissed the fuck off and emailed every single person I had contact information for at Interac and told them, on a daily update basis, how much fun it was NOT to take a cold shower, and that I was an unhappy person. Lo and behold, the gas man came out to look at the machine and, wonder of wonders!, there had been some kind of short, and now there was no electricity. So now I'm waiting for the electrical person to come out, but until then the gas man plugged me into the neighbors thing, so I have hot water. I is happy again.

August also brought with it--festivals! Many and many. The first of which was in Ishinomaki, which is not too far from my little city. There were about eighty thousand of my students there. That was exciting. I went early, like 9:30ish, with my middle school teachers because they were in a boat race. And then of course since I was there and they were short, guess who they had join them? Happily, I was not the only one who had never rowed a boat before. Oh, we were not in sync. Or graceful. Or even capable of going straight. The girl in front of me was even worse than I was, and she didn't paddle so much as splash the fuck out of me and knock paddles with me and the guy in front of her. My clothes were wet all day. Was much fun though. Until the next day, when I could not make a fist.

After that we went to an izakaiwa, a little bar that served some food, and my middle school teachers got very very drunk. At noon. I was entertained. Sadly, Mr. Scowly Face is actually quite nice once he's got ten beers in him. I shit you not on the count, btw. They broke out the karaoke machine and made me sing Stand by Me. Which I don't know. Was a great demonstration of how talented I am not. We were there until about 4:30, so like nearly six hours, since we got there a bit after 11. They stumbled home, I met a couple other ALTs at the train station and went out to watch fireworks and drink. To celebrate the Augustness of course.

I know I mentioned previously that I don't drink, but you try maintaining sobriety in the land of socially acceptable nay demanded alcoholism, as well as the land of 'hi can you work for twelve hours for free and we won't tell your company and everyone does this and it is expected of you'.

We barhopped a bit after dinner and fireworks. We were actually at dinner a little too long and missed most of the fireworks, but the ones we saw were teh prittay yo. People at festivals are awesome. Especially when they're drunk. And yes, I did drink. Because I wanted to. We missed the last train, so we just stayed out until 5:30 in the morning for the first train of the day. Met many nice people. And a few other gaijins, also teachers but with different companies. It was fun. I reached a comfortable drunken numbness in which I could function without totally embarrassing myself. The two guys I was with did a few karaoke songs and I may have peed in an alley. All in all very fun. However at that point I still had no hot water to wash the Ishinomaki Bay and bar germs and cigarette smoke out of my hair. But I managed, though my lips turned blue.

After that was the Sendai fireworks, which were really pretty. We wandered around a little to find a good place to sit, and finally settled on this bridge thing with a bunch of other people on tarps. It was actually a highway bridge, but the roads were closed. We ended up with a front row seat for the fireworks.Many pictures up on facebook. Many many pictures, I have updated a bit there. And yes, mei-mei, there are even some of me.

Then the next day we got on a train for eight hours and went to the northern end of Japan, just before Hokkaido (which is an island you need an underground train or a ferry to get to), to a city called Aomori, where there's supposedly this really famous festival. We got to see a really cool float parade. The parade is at night and the floats are lit up or on fire or a mix of the two. It was awesome. And I drank a bit too much, but not nearly as much as my friends. After the parade we wandered around the city and made friends with all the other very very drunk Japanese people, who invited us to a party by the river. I will not talk of my friend's sexcapades. I shall let them keep their dignity intact. There most assuredly won't be any mention here of what some people do in dark parking garages while I'm talking to nice Filipinos who work on a cruise ship. The party by the river was... interesting. I've never been to mardi gras, but surely it was like this. Topless girls, not all legal, beads and bells. And maybe an orgy. It was actually fun though. The next day was the fireworks, and they actually floated the parade floats on the water. Which, from where I was seated, I could not see all that well. And my camera insisted it could not see at all. We argued much about this, my camera and I, but it insisted they were much farther away than they really were, and that is the reason behind the crap pictures for this particular event on facebook. It was still pretty neat though. We spent both nights in an internet cafe since there were no available hotel rooms. Internet cafes are actually quite comfy. Free drinks, internet, manga, movies and ps2 games. And good food too. $20 for 9 hours. Not too shabby. No shower at this one though, so I felt nasty and gritty most of the trip. But! It was way fun.

The first thing I did when I got home was shower. Then I finished a manuscript I'd been procrastinating on. Then I went to sleep. For two days or so. I had to decompress from being around so many people. A social butterfly I am not. Then Reed's (the ALT that lives in my building) Japanese mother (seriously, I think she's adopted him, and she's trying to get her clutches into me, but I resist!) took me to a sunflower festival in some other little town I can't remember the name of. That was cool. The sunflowers were taller than me.

And that is what I have been doing. I still have three days left on my juhachi kippu (a ticket that let's me ride the local train for free), so I'm thinking of going to Yamagata, since it isn't nearly so far away as Aomori was. Had I not been so desperate for a shower after the festival there--which I can't remember the name but really is famous--I would have gone on up to Hokkaido. Alas, I run low on money. Even though I've hardly spent any. Curse you company I will not name and all the things you took out of this pay check!

And this is really long. So. And yeah. I hope everyone else is having fun too! I know a couple of you ALTs are wandering around Tokyo and climbing Everest or Fuji or whatever and going to Summer Sonic. Hopefully you don't melt in the heat. Dad, you still haven't emailed me to tell me how things are going with your *gag**cough*girlfriend*gag* so I'm going to assume the best and not think of it further. Mei-mei my love. Mail yourself to me and I'll buy you presents. Or, you know, just talk mom into sending me that care package? You liked your other presents, I'll gives you more? *bribery*

Okay. And I'm done. Probably with all my excitement for the year and such. Much love to all!

Emails from Japan: July 17, 2008

And I'm FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Sorta. My JTEs (Japanese English Teachers) want me to help out three students picked to do some kind of speech contest. Happily, Interac told me to tell them that they had to go through Interac to do that, so I didn't have to have any meetings and figure out schedules and crap like that. Thank the gods. Japanese people will not only beat a dead horse, but they'll fucking pound it so deep into the pavement it'll never get washed out. Christ on a stick I swear to God.

I am going to tell you about my immensely non interesting day now. Feel free to zone out. I went to school early as per my usual. I like to sit there and feel stupid during the morning meetings. Plus I'm always for some reason ridiculously hopeful that the teachers I'm teaching with for that day will tell me they want me to do something. Never mind if it's last minute and I have no planning period, at least they would acknowledge my existence outside of the classroom. Silly me, to hope for such things. My first class was as boring as it usually is. I read out loud and the students repeated after me, and then they giggled while I made faces and animal noises the rest of the time when the teacher was lecturing. Then I told them the answers to their worksheets. Just because. This was my second year class - the eighth grade. Then came my two third year - ninth grade - classes. And I think my JTE, Mr. Scowly Face, had his panties twisted around that stick up his ass, because he was in a mood today.

Oh, I intend to tell you about it. He doesn't actually take me to the classes when they start like my other JTEs. You know, they come and get you at your desk and you walk with them to the classroom. No. He goes ahead without me, and I have to track him down, because none of my JTEs communicate with each other, especially not about my schedule, and so whatever class is written on it is usually wrong. So I walked into the classroom and he sorta nodded at me. And then he didn't look at me again. At all. He didn't even have me read aloud and them repeat. I did not speak until it came time for them to work in their workbook. And then I told them the answers just to piss him off. Next class was more of the same. He did not look at me. He did speak to me towards the end when he told me to go find some girl named I forget what and talk to her about the speech contest. Like I know who she is and where she is and he was already informed he had to go through Interac about that. So I killed him horribly in my imagination. For about the fifth time. And that was only third hour. And then I was done.

And now? I'm FREEEEEEEE!

Let's see, my life since my last email......is pretty much the same as whatever was in my last email. I don't remember it, but I don't actually do much. I go to school and work and wish I could kill things, and then I come home and proofread crappy manuscripts and fantasize about killing things and then on weekends I kill things. In Devil May Cry 3, relax. Though last weekend I did go and see Indiana Jones with Tom and Wade (hi!) and though it was...horribly cheesy and bad in some places it was really very entertaining in others.

The weekend before that I got slightly drunk with Tom and Reed (hi again!) and a couple of really nice and now really poor Japanese guys. They were molested by several fifty year old drunk Japanese women. Which amused me no end.

This was a nice break in my own monotony.

I've kept a journal at my schools for when I'm not doing anything. Really it's just for my middle school, since my two elementary schools keep me hopping all day and then I go home and die. Here for you is a snippet. A peak into the inner realms of my insanity. Random lines from random entries. You know you're curious:

I ama cactus. Am a is two words. Are.

I like pie.

There is a robot speaking out of the speaker phone. It said helicopter. That's all I understand. It said it twice. Maybe a helicopter is coming with giant radioactive waste and will dump it on the school and melt all the fat teachers and turn all the students into my own army of undead rabid middle school students. I bet I could take over the world with one of them. If they didn't eat me first.

I want more coffee.

Why does the drip coffee here taste like old man ass? There seriously isn't enough sugar in the world, I think. Thank the gods for instant. It may burn holes in my stomach, but at least it tastes like it's supposed to.

Mr. Piggy is so cute I could squish him to death.

"There's a hole in the bottom of the sea!" And all the water drained out and the world dried up and we all died. Except for the cockroaches. Which evolved. Spontaneously. And became a race of highly advanced super beings with superior technology and intelligence, able to explore and conquer space and time. Though they were still nasty.

My sleeves are unbuttoned because my arms are fat.

Ah. Next hour is almost here. And here I shall go quietly and passively to my doom and face the raging despair with bravery and aplomb. and soiled undies.

...

I am a performing monkey. You would think these kids would get tired of bungee jump, but no. Everywhere I go "show me bungee jump please?" I'm going to teach them death by shotgun. Just to break the monotony.

I am a lion. Roar.

I am happy in my jacketlessness. However I have shed the shackles of the uptight and the stuffy only to be brought low by the conservative and the traditional. And the 80s. Woe woe and cry woe again for the fields of decay and hopelessness in the land of Japanese fashion! The black sparkly awesomeness of this pen does little to express the darkness that lies within the hearts and minds of hideously redesigned furniture upholstery. Pity and sorrow and understanding of their pain, not even these can reach through the depths of such a great pit of despair.

I'm so bored bored bored and I have to pee. One more class. But first! To pee!

...

Someday I shall be useful. and they will look upon me with eyes just discovering of greatness and respect and friendship and they will say with lips free of frowning and displeasure that she, yes she is one not meant to be shut away from the light, banished to the darkness of the corner, nay bring her out! Bring her out to dance and laugh and contribute to the lives of those of us who were once ignorant of her uses, who once scorned and ignored her, for we repent! Our minds have been opened like a cold flower after a glimpse at the beauty of the sun and we see now! We see how wonderful she is! And I? I shall raise my mighty fists, holding my mighty chainsaw, and I shall laugh and hack them to bits regardless!

My coffee is all gone again. I wonder if they would frown at me if I got up to get more? Even though I just did? Ah, fuck 'em.

And that is pretty much what I do in my free time. At work anyway. My middle school makes me want to hurt people. Usually my JTEs. Because they're fat and they smell like moldy cheese and they just won't die when I want them to and really, that's just rude.

And this is now too long, so I shall go away and leave you with your thoughts. Should you have a brain left if you actually read any of that up there. I can assure you with absolute certainty that I do not in fact have any brain left. I'm pretty sure several of my students captured and ate it after it sawed its way out of my skull and ran away screaming like a little girl. Poor brain.

Aside from that, my life is normal and mundane and yes occasionally fun and exciting. Especially when I go out jogging at night and I would swear yakuza keep houses out here and watch me when I go by their houses. No one's shot me yet though. So maybe I'm just being paranoid. Or they are. I am a creepy gaijin (foreigner).

How is everyone else doing? My summer plans include but are not limited to: going somewhere that is not higashi fucking matsushima. I would also like for someone to mail me my little sister.

Emails from Japan: June 12, 2008

Hello all! I hope everyone is doing well?

I am just peachy keen, yo. My first paycheck came the end of last month, and naturally the first thing I did was buy myself a used PS2 and Devil May Cry 3. There is not a happier me to be found on land or sea or air. Maybe on Pluto. If there's electricity and I have my DMC. Naturally I have gotten not a thing done at home in regards to lesson planning or manuscript proofing for the last two weeks. Dante and Vergil are much much more entertaining. Especially since I can't kill anyone in reality. I have to make up for it in my video games. And oh, are there people I'd like to kill in reality. Like, pretty much every single person out here. (Tom, you're safe in Matsushima, by out here I mean my side of town :)

My regular elementary school has been just loads of fun this month. The new ALT they have for the 5th and 6th grade is an asshat that needs to be stripped flayed salted covered in honey and thrown in a pit of fire ants. Not the Interact one that lives near me. The new one for this particular school, he's from a different company. Assholes R Us. Though he's friendly enough to me. He's even friendly to the teachers -- who are, by the way, really really nice and awesome -- when they're backs aren't turned. As soon as they walk off he immediately turns to me and tells me all kinds of things that he could do better if only they'd just let him be in charge of the classes. Because, you know, he knows everything. Really. Just ask him.

I think I'll introduce him to the ALT that lives in my apartment building.

I was actually going to tell you about my loads of fun. Right. Tangent much? Anyway, nearly every day this month that I've been to my elementary school I've had someone observing one of my classes. First the entire freaking staff of the school went to one, and then on Wednesday it was some kind of visitation day, so I had parents and grandparents and siblings and aunts and uncles in and out of my classes all day. Then Matt and Dan, my two Interac bosses/reps/people that pretend they're in charge came by and observed one. That was interesting. I was a little surprised to see them there. Evidently I'm really lucky with this elementary school. And they said I did a good job. Go me. I'm awesome. The only complaint the school has? I need to study more Japanese. Because the teachers have a really hard time trying to tell me what they want me to do. Needless to say I won't be saying anything bad about immigrants not speaking the language for quite a while.

Though, I have adjusted slightly. My phone died on me for a bit, as happens with me since the god of cell phones thinks I'm vile, and I had to go to Soft Bank and have them fix it. shinimashita is the best verb ever. It means ~~died, for those not in the know. Then I had to call a courier service because they were trying to send me registered documents that needed to be signed for when I wasn't home. That? That was really interesting. And then, the most fun of all the fun I've had in this country. I went to the post office in an attempt to transfer funds to my US bank account. Which they, eventually when we figured out what the hell we were each talking about, said I had to go to the bank to do. First, of course, I had to find the bank. Which was an adventure in and of itself, but that I will not be talking about as I want no one that can testify. And then a really nice bank teller walked me over to the ATM and we tried to figure out what I needed to do together. The bank ATMs are very inconveniently only in Japanese -- really, there are only like maybe three foreigners in this city so it would be maybe a little silly...except it's inconvenient for me, dammit -- so I will not be able to do that by myself for a while yet.

And? I still am only eating eggs and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for dinner. Though I have taken to adding some vegetables and fruits on occasion, if that makes things better. I'll figure this cooking thing out one day, just wait. And until then, oh loving family of mine, send me food? :) And maybe some nice summer work clothes...I didn't really bring any... I'm in Japan I'm morbidly obese so there's no actual way to go buy clothes that would fit me.

And that's all for me, really. Except that the teachers in my middle school need to die in a fire. They can take Assface with them when they do, if they'd be so kind. Until then I shall be hiding from reality as much as possible. The real world? Not so much fun, really.

Is anyone doing anything interesting this summer? Anyone traveling or anything? Can I come? Last weekend Reed (the other ALT, not Assface) and I went to Sendai and visited this huge fugly freaking Buddha statue that we climbed up.

It was really interesting. So is the Japanese bus system. It's actually slightly more efficient than our Denver RTD system, though the whole trust thing wouldn't work so well in Denver. You go in the front doors of a bus, sometimes take a ticket that says what stop you got in on, then pay attention to the front board that announces how much you owe as you pass each stop, and you pay when you get off. You're in charge of figuring out how much you pay. It's super confusing. It freaks me out how well it works here.

Also, Tom and Kyle and Wade and Mark, are you doing anything this weekend? We ended up missing you guys when we went to Sendai last weekend. I was thinking of going to Matsushima or something Saturday or Sunday, since I haven't been there yet this year. And the other ALT, who does have a name, really, is going on some kind of strawberry hunt with some other ALTs out here and a group of Japanese people that belong to some kind of English club that some lady runs out of her house. Really it sounds like a white slave market to me, but if you want you're welcome to come. If you come back alive and with all of your flesh, I might consider going too.

Okay, that's all I got. If I think of something else...I'll just forget it again, so you're probably safe from a random MED (Mass Email of Doom) the rest of the month. Unless Assface dies or my JHS blows up. Then you'll probably never hear from me again. Daddy, if that happens after she takes the bar exam call Brandi. She'll work for cookies and pasta. :)

Emails from Japan: May 23, 2008

Who loves hot muggy weather!

......

Me either, yo.

I figured I should send out an email, since it's been a while. Have all the Japan people settled in nicely? I hear we're getting paid soon, I'm very excited about that. My MC (managing consultant) recently gave me some instructions on how to cook, since apparently fifty-five straight days of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches is cause for concern. So at least I have something to experiment with now, yeah? Now if I could just figure out how to send money home to pay my student loan off...

any ideas?

I don't actually have anything about life in general to report, really. I'm just letting everyone know I'm still alive. And that I'd kill for some apple cinnamon muffins, if anyone has any means to make them and get them to me. I did finally get an umbrella though! It was very exciting. Since the weather here went rainy and windy as hell for a couple of days, my JHS teachers felt sorry for me and directed me to the hidden treasure room of shit people have lost or abandoned. I have a really nice umbrella now. :)

Anyway, life for me is pretty basic. I don't really teach much, just stand in the classroom and let the kids climb on me. Well, the junior high kids don't really climb on me. That would involve an actual sign of life, you know? Though they're friendly and cheerful enough outside of the classroom, I can't help but wonder if the teachers beat them when I'm not looking. I wonder if they'd let me help...

Is anyone out here (in the general vicinity of, you know, japan) in a similar situation? Where the teachers only really tell your schedulers what classes you'll be in, but save any sort of information like what the lessons are or what they want you to plan or bring until you're actually walking into the classroom? When it's sort of too late to do anything but pull something out of your ass? Is anyone else's ass starting to hurt? Anyone? I really like my one elementary school that has their own lesson plans, and the teachers tell my schedulers which ones they'll be using, and my schedulers translate them for me, and I arrive at school with the translated lesson plans, and then in the actual classroom the teachers - each and every single one - do something completely different. Because they "improved" it. And each teacher does this, in totally different ways, so that when I finally get a teacher that follows the plan to a letter I have no idea what the hell is going on. Once you've grown accustomed to chaos and confusion the sudden appearance of order and structure will make your head explode. At least the kids are cute.

My language is deteriorating though. I now think in Japanglish. Not Engrish. Japanglish. There's a difference. Alas and alack. Sports day is coming up, and I'm hoping I'll get to go and watch the games and everything. Then I'll have something to write home about finally. It's kind of sad that my life mostly consists of me going to school and then coming home to work some more. One of these days I'm going to go somewhere.

What are everyone's plans for summer? Anyone going anywhere interesting? I'm going to try and get home this winter for Christmas, I'm in serious withdrawal from my coffee shop and my father's cooking. Daddy? I want chicken rice and mushroom gravy for Christmas, kay? Please? Pretty please? And apple cinnamon muffins? 'Cause you love me?

And...that's it for me. I still live. I have not thrown myself under a train yet, nor starved, nor contracted any manner of horrible diseases. Though I did contract one minor disease. I managed to kick it with tea and honey. Since I have no idea where medicine is out here, what it looks like, how to find it, or how to use it. Tea and honey is just safer.

Emails from Japan: April 30, 2008

Hello all! I hope everyone is well and happy and still alive. At least somewhat. I hope you didn't think that since I hadn't written since early this month that I'd forgotten you? Silly people, getting your hopes up like that. And now, my life for the last few weeks!

Has been school. Pretty much. That's all. School and preparing for school. Though last weekend my neighbor - the other ALT out here in our lonely corner of the country - and I went down to some kind of peninsula where I don't know quite where it is. We got lost in Ishinomaki at the very start, so that general direction. It was about two to two and a half hours of driving, stopping along the road and some little towns/villages/holes in the wall along the way for pictures and food and such. It was a really pretty drive. At the peninsula there was a nice little park type thing, that was really some kind of Nazi training ground for toddlers. Some of the...equipment? was definitely not stuff we get in our boring normal parks in the States. Lame, I say. We should have some of that. I was almost defeated by a neat little wooden maze, though I managed to find my way out in the end. And then there were the...ball slidy things. You sit on it and slide down the rope. Which doesn't explain anything. But it was way fun.

Naturally I've been sick all week as well. Some little germ infested bratling with mucus hands gave me their disease and it's been hell trying to play with the kids and keep my voice. Today it almost died on me. Totally sexy yo, the way I croak. So excited for Golden Week. Hello bed. Anyone out my way have any plans? I may go into Sendai, if I decide I can afford to spend the money. I can't go much farther than that, alas. I have bills to pay. If I can figure out how to get money from here to the states. Curse you paypal and your obstinate ways.

Mostly, though, my life is school. Oddly enough, however, I don't actually teach any classes. I wonder if any other ALTs are pretty much just classroom decoration as well? At my Junior High School I stand there for all of the 3rd year classes (...9th grade is Junior High here, for those stateside) while the Japanese English teacher (JTE) rattles off rapidly in Japanese, and sometimes has me read out loud from the textbook while the students repeat after me. This is the teacher that will turn to me as we're entering the classroom and ask if I've prepared any games or anything. This, of course, being before I even know what the hell he'll be going over in the class. So I have to pull something out of my ass, which usually isn't all that great and has him frowning. Not that that's unusual for him. I call him Mr. Scowly pants in my head. Because I'm 5 years old. I like my 1st year (7th grade) teacher though. Her classes are fun, and she lets me get theatrical.

Elementary school's are the best though. The kid's aren't as shy, they'll actually speak to me, and they'll play the games like they're having fun, rather than sitting there and wishing they were somewhere else. Like a lava pit. Freaking teenagers. They do wear me out though, when I get to do more than stand there. My main ES has its own lesson plans and stuff, which are in Japanese, and I get these script things that I can't read, so that's exciting. Then in class the teacher will be speaking, and then she'll pause for a while during which time I'm supposed to be saying something, but my script isn't in English and my cues are in Japanese and I have no idea what the hell is going on for the most part. so I make weird noises and faces and that seems to work. At least the staff will speak to me though. During lunch and planning time I'll get people that stop and talk to me in JapEnglish. Yes. japenglish. Not engrish. I go to my Kindergarten next month.
These last couple of weeks have been pretty easy though, since in the afternoon all the teachers leave for a home visit to their student's houses. Which is interesting. I have no idea what they do there though.

I still live off of cereal and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. The foods of the gods, I tell you. And instant ramen. And sometimes fruit juice and eggs to balance out my diet. Sometimes I get sick of my non-cooking, but really, there's not much you can do when 1. you can't recognize most ingredients in the supermarket and 2. you wouldn't know what the heck to do with them anyway. I need a live in slave that cooks. And cleans. My house is a sty. Anyone know a good place for a cheap, small vaccum? Lint rollers can only do so much...
And that's my life. Well, that and the anime channel, which I say is part of my education, and therefore justified. Since it's really the only Japanese television I remotely understand. I have officially survived my first month living and working in Japan. Go me!

......

11 more to go.

Dammit.

Emails from Japan: April 11, 2008

My first week of work was not nearly as eventful as I thought it should have been. But we'll go in order. S...aturday? Yes, Saturday we (a nice sized group of four) went into Sendai to...hm, console each other on the end of our freedom? That sounds about right. Since we all started work/teaching/stuffs the following Monday-ish. We didn't do much. Wandered around looking for a place to drink, which shouldn't be nearly as difficult as it was, but I guess when one of your party (this is my guilty face) only drinks coffee, it can be hard. Found some other foreigners, apparently Touhoku College students (a local university type place. same place my Japanese professor went to school, actually) and asked them if they knew a good place to drink. They blew us off, as they were snobs and needed to be set on fire. Eventually we found a place. That made really, really good - and really really expensive - coffee. And I got to play Time Crisis 4 at an arcade! +) ~was happy~ Tom (hi!) won a huge-assed chocolate bar in one of the grabby machines. It was funny because he wasn't really trying, but he got so close the first time that a group of girls wouldn't let him quit. He had his own cheering section. =) At the train station a very drunk older man bought us all these glass...jars of sake. Which I pretended to drink and then traded to Tom for his chocolate bar - it went great with my coffee, yo. We managed to get home without train hiccups this time.

Monday I got to meet my Board of Education people and my schools. Which was scary as hell, but somehow I didn't pass out. For the most part they seemed really nice. My junior high school is a little scary because one of the JTEs (the English teachers, or Japanese Teachers of English) has a permanent scowl affixed to his face, and I always get the impression that I should be apologizing for breathing his air whenever I'm around him. And then, of course, I didn't start until Thursday, so I went back to sitting on my bum for two days and freaking out at my lack of a schedule/plan/knowing what the hell I should be doing.

My first day of work, many ALTs can probably relate, I spent sitting at my desk twiddling my thumbs. I had to introduce myself to the staff in the morning, where I discovered that self introductions are in fact the bane of my existence. They are my mortal nemesis, and must be destroyed/brought down/knocked off post haste, at all costs. My poor teachers. My morning self introduction was about thirty seconds long, in which I told them everything that the guy that introduced me had already said. Then I sat. And pretended to be busy while everyone else ran around and actually was. I found myself slightly jealous. My monotony was broken up by lunch, which was surprisingly very not revolting. It was actually really good. No nightmares about my own junior high and high school lunches ran through my head. I think they even used real meat. It was so strange.

Some of the other teachers did attempt to talk to me when they weren't busy, and they're really nice. Two gave me candy. +) Then I got to attend the introductory ceremony for the JH first years (the seventh graders). And do yet another self introduction for the entire student body. Which was much smaller than I had thought. But still nerve racking. They had asked me beforehand to try to make my speech about 2 or 3 minutes. Yeah. That didn't happen. And I'm pretty sure no one understood a damn thing I said anyway. *le sigh*

Friday was my second day, and I actually did get to teach a class. It was the special needs class, with three students, and we did greetings and the alphabet. I found this out that morning. It was an interesting lesson. And yes, very bad. But hey, the students were laughing. Whether at me or at me I couldn't say. I still have no idea when I'm supposed to be leaving at the end of the day.

I have also had my first experience driving, which is actually a great deal of fun. But since I've always liked to drive, I shouldn't have worried about it so much. I still forget which side of the road I'm supposed to be on, but I haven't killed anyone yet, so I'm doing okay, I think. I drove down to an AEON center mall thing Thursday night with Reed, the other ALT that lives out here, and got us horribly amazingly lost on the way back. But surprisingly we still ended up getting home without having to stop and ask for directions. I love the road signs over here. They were made for stupid foreigners like myself. Then we met Dan, one of our salespeople and the poor guy I constantly email with stupid questions. Since I haven't actually been anywhere in my town, I didn't know where we could go eat and we ended up in an isakaiwa - family drinking hole - thingy. But neither Dan nor I drink. I did discover a really yummy milky white soda thing that has no alcohol, and if anyone knows what it's called, tell me? Was much with the yum.

And that's...pretty much what I've been doing. Real work for me probably starts next week. Right now I'm debating if I want to go to this ALT sakura picnic thingamajig that everyone's talking about. It's just so expensive to go into Sendai. And I'll stop rambling. I doubt many of you even made it this far though, I probably wouldn't have read all that either, no worries.

Emails from Japan, March 31, 2008

Hello all! First, I shall warn you, I have had much too much coffee. I'm currently typing quite fast actually. I'm impressed with myself. My week has been somewhat unadventurous, with the delightful side-quest of going completely insane. It rains quite a bit here. And I have yet to get an umbrella. Which leaves me trapped in my box quite frequently. Though I haven't gone so far down the slope of madness to start downloading porn for amusement's sake, it's come close.

Earlier in the week I had a nice little experience that nearly resulted in a concussion. I thought I'd take a bath in my deep little bathtub made for munchkins. Since I like the water very hot, and the room is a bit small, I guess the steam was more than I'm used to back home? I must have gotten up slightly too soon, and then opened the doors even more too soon, because the rush of cold air sent me right over the edge of the bathtub face first. I ended up with several scrapes and bruises, and knocked my head on the sink. It was the closest I've ever come to actually passing out before. Not exactly my most graceful moment. And now I'm even more leery of onsens. Nightmares of gym showers in the states notwithstanding.

I have had the opportunity to walk around my little city, and I managed to find the post office! I was very pleased with this success. Now if only they would give me mail that I could actually read without emailing pictures of it to my native consultant a.k.a. IC and asking if it's important. I'm not sure it really matters though, since tomorrow I can legally drive my cute little demonically possessed car, and will probably kill someone. Hopefully no one too important. Like me.

Today I went into Sendai with my British friend Tom, and we got slightly lost but managed to find ourselves eventually. Sendai is a really nice city, though the wind was not. Especially since I left my coat at home. There are a couple of neat little places to get a drink, and there's one British type bar thing that had really good coffee. I had about four cups. Then some more from the vending machines. Hence my current sleepless state. Then we managed to get on the wrong train back, but it was headed in the right direction so at the last stop the really nice driver people told us where we needed to be to get home. That was exciting. In a cold way. Since it was about 10:30 at night. Fun times. Next time anyone near Sendai should give a holler, so we can get a group together. I'm going to attempt to go to Ishonmaki or whatever the hell it is tomorrow, if there's anyone remotely near there and wants to go with me.

I haven't managed to get out and see more than a few places in my town, what with the weather being so finicky, but I have yet to see anyone resembling a live foreigner. My ICs told me another ALT will be moving in to the apartment beneath mine sometime this week, though. My current neighbor, who just moved in, seems to be quite fond of ripping the furniture off the walls and throwing it around. That, or he can't stay in the damn bed. All the thumping that goes on over there he must have a hell of time with falling out of it. That, or he's keeping a really large rabbit as a pet.

And now I'm rambling. This is me going away.

Though I'd just like to say that I still have no idea where my schools are. I really need to figure that out soon.

Emails from Japan (because I have nothing else to write about)

March 24, 2008

planes.

are fat. and smell. and full of fat people that smell, with fat smelly children. 'nuff said.

training.

plane was an hour and a half late, so I stressed slightly on meeting up with the Interac person that was supposed to take me to the hotel. They had me paged, however, so I managed to find them before they left me. Somehow I even manged to carry all eighteen pieces of hundred pound luggage with me to do it. I still have no idea what the hell all I packed, but none of it can be all that important. I mean, seriously, what the hell did I bring? I haven't opened the suitcases yet just out of pure fear of what I'll find.

the hotel was nice. the first day. my roommate was really nice too (Hi roomie!). training was...training. heh. those that were there, know. basically we were in this hotel that was apparently one continent onto itself, and the only escape was a magically appearing bus that may or may not have brought you back. it was an adventure. as was wondering around the red light district of chiba. photos to come.

I did get to meet a lot of really cool people though (hello to some of you! others I don't have their email addresses. alas. though i'm sure they're not displeased to have to miss out on this) while we where trapped in out little bubble of non-japan. and now we have been set free on the country's populace en mass. I hope everyone arrived at their final destinations all right, and that your IC's (IC = independent contractors = people that sort our lives out for us = lifesavers) are as awesome as mine. I'd be in a corner crying like a little girl without mine. They even fixed my internet for me.

And that's all I have for now. Except that I live in a box.

So rape culture, basically, is the idea that rape has degrees. Like, if a black man rapes a white middle aged suburban housewife with 2.5 kids and a loving husband, that's a bad rape. He goes to jail. But if a white college frat boy rapes a Latina woman he met at bar, and she was wearing somewhat skimpy party clothes and had trace amounts of alcohol in her blood, well, that's a maybe rape. Like, maybe she was willing at the time but changed her mind later when she was diagnosed with Chlamydia. And joking about rape contributes to rape culture because it gives rapists the idea that women aren't really unwilling, they just like to say no for the record so they feel less ashamed about one night stands in the morning. Am I getting this right?