Why Would I Need an Editor I'm Perfect and Shit Rainbows

No, no you are not God. No, really, even I'm appalled at how often I'm told this. If you're a self-publishing author, then your options are far greater, or much more limited, versus your Big 5 counterparts, depending on how you approach publishing. However one thing you should never skimp on (not tooting my own horn, you don't have to use me) is a professional or semi-professional pair of eyes. If you can't afford either of those, then at least use another set of eyes. Any other set of eyes. Preferably attached to a brain, but I'm not here to judge your hobbies. Your options are many. Here's some: 1. Another author: you can swap manuscripts and edit each other. 2. A friend: preferably one who understands basic grammatical rules. 3. A coworker: whom you bribe with lunches or sexual favors or whatever won't get you arrested. 4. A local homeless person: they'll work for food. Seriously, I've been a local homeless person and I have three degrees. They might surprise you. 5. Literally anyone who isn't you: because you are biased and your eyes are tired. You might not realize your eyes are tired, but honestly how many times have you already been through your manuscript? Hopefully more than three--please do at least three passes, please--and your eyes no longer register things like awkward dialogue or weird comma placement. For self-publishing authors, new authors, or even authors trying to break into "traditional" publishing, investing in your book will take you far. The three areas you should invest the most in if you're going non-traditional? Editing/proofreading, cover art, and marketing. That teacher that kept telling you never to judge a book by its cover? Probably had shitty covers. Everyone judges books by their covers. Well you know except blind people, so obviously not everyone. But you know what I mean. However everyone, everyone, will judge your contents. Especially if you mix up "then" and "than" or any of your you're their they're theres. Today's book options have exploded to the point that standards are much more lax, but that doesn't mean yours should be. It's your book, your story, your baby, give it some love. Not in a creepy way, but again, not here to judge your hobbies so whatever do what you want. And if no one knows your book exists, well, they can't exactly buy it, can they? Hence, marketing. For all three of these, if you can do the cover art and marketing yourself, and are willing to commit that kind of time and energy to your brand (and yes, an author who wants to make a living as an author will have to have a brand, hard truths are still truths), then go for it. But seriously contract out for the editing proofreading. Even if you think what you have is perfect, and you shit gold dust, and your farts are rainbow sprinkles, you need another set of eyes. Please for the love of all the gods you might possibly believe in get someone else besides you to read it before you hit that print button. Yes, there are some shady damn people out there, I'm one of them. Take all criticism with a grain of salt based on who is giving it and if they were able to understand your intent. But don't write them off completely. If they didn't understand something you felt you got across perfectly clear, maybe have someone else read it. If they also don't understand, the problem might not be with your readers. These things are painful, but have to be considered if you want to be successful. You can write the cleverest, most beautiful piece of prose in the history of the written language but if no one can understand what the hell you're talking about it does no one any good. Especially not you or your wallet.