Grammar Lessons: Common Word Choice Mistakes Part 1

Because they happen EVERYWHERE and they piss me off. Well. Mostly just the ones listed here.
Pity my authors.

Blonde.
Blonde with an -e- on the end is the feminine noun. It means a blond woman (note what I did there). Without the -e- as a noun, it refers to a blond man (and again there):
The blonde screamed before the zombie ate her brains.
The blond screamed before the zombie ripped his head off

As an adjective (see previous notes?), it has no -e- on the end for either gender:
The blond woman screamed when the zombie ate her face.
The blond man cried like a baby when zombies ate his feet.

If your grammar or spell check tells you differently, it is because they are MACHINES and therefore RETARDED. ~pets computer I love you don't explode~
Seriously, some grammar or spelling check software doesn't acknowledge some of this, and I have no idea why. In every style guide created--by smart people--this is the rule. If you do not follow it, I will find you and shiv you in the throat.

Jealousy vs. Envy.
I realize this is a lost cause. No one uses these correctly anymore, and the rule has become moot. But I want to share it with you anyway, so that you will always, from now until forever, have that little niggle in the back of your head when you use them incorrectly yourself. Because I want you to be as insane as I am. It's only fair.
We are jealous of that which belongs to us.
Zombie A guarded his fresh brains jealously.
We envy that which belongs to others.
Zombie B was consumed with envy at the sight of Zombie A's yummy meal.

Farther and Further:
Farther is used for physical distance: The tall zombie can run farther than the
little one.
The zombies are farther away now.
How much farther do we have to run to escape the zombies?
(Easy way to remember--has "far" in it, as in, "far away," as in physical
distance.)

Further is for figurative, or non-physical distance:
A: "You're a zombie!" B: "Nothing could be further from the truth." A: kills B
anyway.
The zombie apocalypse furthered my survival skills.
We're out of ammo. Further, there's a horde of zombies headed our way.

Y'all and Ya'll.
Technically, both are correct. But y'all is the more accepted correct.
Argument is thus: you + all = y'all. The apostrophe goes before the -a- because the -a- is part of the word "all." Obviously.
The opposing argument is simple: in Southern speech, we (yes, we) don't use "you." We generally say "ya." Like, "Ya gonna kill them zombies'r what?" So you're basically shortening "ya all" because it sounds silly and you have to. You keep the "ya" and the "ll" of "all" and get ya'll.
Some southerners will also say "y'all" as a singular reference, and "all y'all" as the plural. This is not incorrect either. How do you know the person you're talking to doesn't have multiple personalities? Don't make assumptions just because they bathe.

Vice and Vise.
Vice is a bad habit.
The zombies have their vices, they like to eat fresh brains, but that doesn't mean they can't be cuddly.
Vise is a clamping device. You use these often in carpentry. My father has a collection.
The zombie didn't stand a chance once we got its head in the vise.
The zombie squeezed his chest like vise.

Could care less.
Means that you care to some degree. If you don't care at all, then the correct phrase is couldn't care less.
The zombies screamed when we burned them, but I really couldn't care less about zombie pain.
Though, to be fair, that example is very mean. Zombies are people too.

Per Say.
Doesn't mean a damn thing. It's per se, people. Per se.

When you are comparing something. This is different from that. FROM that. Not than that. FROM. Different FROM. Please to be remembering this.

Should of and would of and could of sound STUPID. It is should HAVE and would HAVE and could HAVE. Shortened, they read should've would've could've which sounds, of course, like should of, but, obviously, is not. Please to be remembering this also, or Santa will come to your house and eat your children. Or your puppies. Or your eyes. Depending on which you hold more dear.

Key Important Note Do Not Disregard:
DO NOT use a thesaurus to make yourself sound smarter. Synonyms of a word do not always mean exactly the same thing as that word, and you will end up sounding like an uneducated waste of air. And I will come to your house and shiv you in the throat.
If you insist on using a thesaurus, use a dictionary with it.
Example: Violently

The zombies ripped into him violently.
The zombies ripped into him combatively.
The zombies ripped into him compellingly.
The zombies ripped into him disturbingly.
The zombies ripped into him extremely.
The zombies ripped into him destructively.
The zombies ripped into him fiercely.
The zombies ripped into him forcefully.
The zombies ripped into him overwhelmingly.
The zombies ripped into him intensely.
The zombies ripped into him forcibly.
The zombies ripped into him powerfully.
The zombies ripped into him rebelliously.
The zombies ripped into him riotously.
The zombies ripped into him stormily.
The zombies ripped into him strongly.
The zombies ripped into him turbulently.
The zombies ripped into him vigorously.

See how each one changes the meaning just slightly? And some of them sound just plain ridiculous? This is why you should be careful with synonyms. And adverbs as well, really, because using an adverb in every sentence will make your editor hate you.

And this is the end of today's rant/grammar lesson.
Please to be incorporating the correct words and usages in your writing. Especially if you are submitting for publication. Editors like authors who know what their words mean.
KNOW WHAT YOUR WORDS MEAN.