My Next Life

I decided last night (possibly while intoxicated, possibly not) what I want to be in my next life. Originally, I wanted to be reborn as a cat so I could be lazy and antisocial and sleep all day and shred things with my claws. Then I realized that that's pretty much my life now, except I'm somewhat larger than a regular cat. And with my luck I would end up slightly retarded and epileptic twitching and pissing myself in a dirty alley behind some Chinese restaurant and end up in the egg rolls. I'd probably look something like this:




Still, I figure maybe my next next life can be a cat. But for my next life after this one? I want to be a velociraptor ninja pirate.



Don't judge me.

Obviously I'd have to be born back in the time of dinosaurs, probably as a normal velociraptor that prances gleefully through the land creating havoc and carnage, running about killing the shit out of everything. Probably right about the time of the giant comet that destroyed most all life on earth. Most likely at ground zero.

The resulting cataclysmic explosion would tear a hole in the fabric of the universe and transport me forward in time, also creating an instantaneous mental evolution that makes me self aware and able to communicate with other living things and an exponential potential to learn. Obviously. I would end up, of course, in the middle of a group of ninjas.

And what the hell kind of ninjas wouldn't want to have their own trained killer velociraptor? So they'll of course teach me to be a ninja and I will live happily for some time while I master my new art and figure out my new found mental faculties.

That is until of course my natural instincts inevitably take over and I betray, kill and savagely feast on the flesh of my former companions. I'm a velociraptor. It should be expected really.



Still, I would be unable to continue my easy life as a ninja and would probably have to flee the country. So I would hide on a pirate ship in the cargo hold for a few days. At least, until I remember that I'm a FREAKING VELOCIRAPTOR and wonder why the fuck I'm hiding like a pussy. Maybe rampage around the ship feasting for a bit until the crew pleads with me to be their new captain.

I mean, what the hell kind of pirates would NOT want a ninja velociraptor as their captain? Really.

And then I'll spend the rest of my days pillaging other ships and feasting on human flesh. Or fish. Or other meat. Velociraptors will eat pretty much anything that bleeds. The screaming is just bonus really.

Also, I have no idea where that first velociraptor picture came from, I found it on my hard drive. If it belongs to someone, they should claim it quickly, before it starts to run wild.