My Next Life

I decided last night (possibly while intoxicated, possibly not) what I want to be in my next life. Originally, I wanted to be reborn as a cat so I could be lazy and antisocial and sleep all day and shred things with my claws. Then I realized that that's pretty much my life now, except I'm somewhat larger than a regular cat. And with my luck I would end up slightly retarded and epileptic twitching and pissing myself in a dirty alley behind some Chinese restaurant and end up in the egg rolls. I'd probably look something like this:




Still, I figure maybe my next next life can be a cat. But for my next life after this one? I want to be a velociraptor ninja pirate.



Don't judge me.

Obviously I'd have to be born back in the time of dinosaurs, probably as a normal velociraptor that prances gleefully through the land creating havoc and carnage, running about killing the shit out of everything. Probably right about the time of the giant comet that destroyed most all life on earth. Most likely at ground zero.

The resulting cataclysmic explosion would tear a hole in the fabric of the universe and transport me forward in time, also creating an instantaneous mental evolution that makes me self aware and able to communicate with other living things and an exponential potential to learn. Obviously. I would end up, of course, in the middle of a group of ninjas.

And what the hell kind of ninjas wouldn't want to have their own trained killer velociraptor? So they'll of course teach me to be a ninja and I will live happily for some time while I master my new art and figure out my new found mental faculties.

That is until of course my natural instincts inevitably take over and I betray, kill and savagely feast on the flesh of my former companions. I'm a velociraptor. It should be expected really.



Still, I would be unable to continue my easy life as a ninja and would probably have to flee the country. So I would hide on a pirate ship in the cargo hold for a few days. At least, until I remember that I'm a FREAKING VELOCIRAPTOR and wonder why the fuck I'm hiding like a pussy. Maybe rampage around the ship feasting for a bit until the crew pleads with me to be their new captain.

I mean, what the hell kind of pirates would NOT want a ninja velociraptor as their captain? Really.

And then I'll spend the rest of my days pillaging other ships and feasting on human flesh. Or fish. Or other meat. Velociraptors will eat pretty much anything that bleeds. The screaming is just bonus really.

Also, I have no idea where that first velociraptor picture came from, I found it on my hard drive. If it belongs to someone, they should claim it quickly, before it starts to run wild.

Zombie Poem

My 9th graders did free poetry in English class today, and everyone had to write a poem. Including me. So, for your reading pleasure, here is the poem I presented to the class. It's called Zombies:

Zombies
quick sharp teeth
flesh hangs from rotted lips
run screaming
hordes coming
to feast on
us

Mine was the most popular poem.

Before you jump to conclusions though, it was a request that I write my poem about zombies, really it was! It's a running joke in my classes that I like Biohazzard and I always have zombies on my worksheets or games. So when I couldn't think of anything one of the students told me to write about zombies.

There's nothing wrong with me.

Stop looking at me like that.

LIfe in Japan: Hiking and Nature

Some friends and I went to a small island off the coast of a peninsula a little northeast of where I live. The friends I went with are all members of a Facebook group called "Miyagi Outdoor Lovers." They're fellow ALTs, and I enjoy their company quite a bit, but as you might guess if you know me, I am not remotely an outdoor lover and avoid nature at all costs. They talked me into this one because I'd been there before and thought it would be all right, plus there's a deserted beach nearby that I wanted to go to.

I had been sick for a week, I should mention. Like, I went to bed as soon as I got home from work sick. Death on a stick. I felt better the Friday before and that morning, so thought it would be all right. It was not all right. Trekking uphill with a cough and a sinus headache on top of allergies = deathwish. Seriously. This was me:

Down was all right. We got totally lost and ended up on an animal trail on the other side of the island, and followed that back to the ferry. It was an adventure, and I felt better at that point because we'd stopped for lunch and medicine. You can kind of see the path here:

The view was gorgeous, don't get me wrong. And the "wildlife" was very accommodating to tourists.

I can appreciate the beauty of nature. I think almost anyone can appreciate the beauty of nature. I'm just one of those people who prefer to appreciate it from inside an air conditioned glass walled room where said nature can't touch me. I don't like bugs, I don't like sun, I don't like heat or cold, and I don't like hiking, camping, or climbing. Still. Sometimes it's good to break out of your comfort zone to remind yourself of why you were in it in the first place. After this hike I was ready to flee in terror back to my cave. Except we were going to the beach next, and I can forgo, temporarily, the comfort of my cave for the beach.

The beach! First day at the beach this summer. Was awesome. Really FREAKING cold, but awesome. I had to swim in shorts and a t-shirt because I'd forgotten my swimsuit, but it wouldn't be the first time (I've stripped and swum in my underwear before, because not even lack of a suit and naked shame can keep me out of the ocean), and probably not the last.

We went to a semi deserted beach a little farther up the peninsula, and the waves were nice enough that we were sharing them with surfers. The surfers moved over a bit for us though, once they realized that we were insane enough to attempt swimming even though it was cold and dangerous. It was a mostly enclosed beach, with rocks on either side, maybe about the size of a football field, or not quite that big. The rocks on one side had a huge opening that narrowed off into a small cave, which was really neat.

The rocks on the other side were pretty sharp and high, and covered in this sharp shells of some kind of crustacean. On the other side of these rocks I noticed another mini beach with what looked like a totally awesome cave, and I tried to go there. Note, I forgot to tell my friends, who at this point were drying off and preparing to leave, where I was going.

I tried to walk around the rocks, the water was about hip level, but it suddenly dropped off sharply and I couldn't tell how deep it went. Deep ocean water scares me stupid, so I tried to go around that by going over the rocks. Not such a great idea, considering they were covered with the sharp barnacle things. I realized this as soon as I attempted it, and tried to get back down to find another way. And then the tide came in. I ended up being repeatedly smashed into the rocks, and had to struggle to get down and off in between waves. I did manage, though I shredded my hands and legs and feet.

By the time I managed to get off the rocks and out of the waves, my friends had noticed I'd gone missing. The water where we were was completely clear, totally gorgeous, and they were yelling my name and searching frantically for my drowned body. They have much faith in my swimming abilities. This faith in my natural delicate grace was not helped when I finally got back dripping wet and bleeding.

I'm still annoyed I didn't make it to the other small beach. I feel thwarted, but plan to return. Probably a bit earlier in the day, when the waves aren't so rough.

All in all it was exhausting, and more nature than strictly necessary was involved, but I had a really good time.

Life in Japan: Hazzards of Being Gaijin

And it happened again. Thankfully at the end of my run when I'm back in a residential area, with street lights and other people returning home from work. But this guy followed me in his car for two blocks, pulled ahead and parked, and then walked back to walk next to me and talk to me.

Creeeeeeeepy.

This is one thing I shall not miss when I go home. Though oddly my first two years here it never happened.